I'm in the middle of something very personal... the loss of someone I love very much. My heart is aching to say the very least. I've lost a lot of people in my life and attended my share of funerals. This is different. I watched her go. I held on for her last breath, and a part of me died with her. There is an emptiness and a hollowness to my soul right now that I never saw coming. This is the hardest moment I have ever been through.
I was asked recently about posting these sad things on facebook, twitter, and if it made me feel better. And now, what is my motivation posting here? It's that I've always been an open book- someone that expresses myself and lives by my heart not my head. A very broken heart doesn't change that. And I'm not ashamed of my aching soul that is seesawing now. Of the way it's spinning now that she's gone. For my sadness is as beautiful and tragic as her loss. It means I'm alive and that I've lost myself so much in loving someone, that now, I've momentarily lost my way without her. Someday, if we've all loved fully, we will all be here. This bottomless pit of aching and love. Fear and pain. An empty hole where her beautiful life was. So I know that's very personal for here, but it's my truth, and this is who I am. Someone that has loved so fully that I'm left empty yet full of tears. She was everything that is beautiful and tender to me. My constant. My best friend. And she's gone.
Last week I read this amazing post by photographer Charley Star, and wept. For her loss, and for mine that was upon me. I found great comfort in her words. In knowing I am not the first and not the last. If only it could bring her back. I'm sure there may be judgement on posting something so personal in such a public place, or for how I'm mourning, but we all handle these things in different ways. Love and loss. This is my truth and I'm proud of my aching heart. She deserves it.
xo,
Tori
Tuesday, June 7, 2011 
